Picture this: you've just got back from an apalling night out, watching the premiere of American Pie: The Musical!, not wanting to take a dump in case they get any ideas. Rushing upstairs at a speed shaming Michael Moore (then again, you had a pet tortoise that did the same) arrive in the bathroom lock the door and finally, let it go. Relieved, you reach for the toilet roll and.... oh s*** (how appropiate), there's no toilet roll. First, your stomach drops to your bladder, forcing more chilli chicken into the bowl. Then, it drips all over your buttocks, not allowing you to sit up without smearing KFC all over your self.

At this point, many people turn to telekinesis, forcing the bog roll to reveal itself and come to them. But it never works. Some people just make a mad dash for wherever it is, only to smear even more McDonalds all over themselves. But, even more extremely, some stay there for the rest of their lives. I met one of them once. Well, when i say met, I mean, was waiting outside their public toilet. This how the conversation went...

Me: Um, excuse me, how longer are you going to be
Him:.............
Me: I know your in there
Him: Reeeeeeeer! Im not a person, Im an elephant
Me: Is the seat broken yet?
Him: Naah, pure diamond this one
Me: Diamond?
Him: Yeah, that's what they make elephant toilet seats out of
Me: You ever seen that film Blood Diamond?
Him: No but carry on
Me: Oh, just some posers fighting over a diamond. You elephants effectively kill the whole diamond industry you know
Him: So, er, how are the Beatles doing?
Me: Well, two of them are dead, one of natural causes, but one of them was shot
Him: Aww crap
Me: And you know which one survived?
Him: Ringo?
Me: Yes, and...
Him: Not..
Me: SIR Paul McCartney
Him: Really?
Me: Well he's got a divorce now
Him: Oh well that's alright then
Me: You know, theres some zoo keepers in the queue behind me
Him: Aargh!! (Breaks through the wall and runs off with trousers down)
Zoo: So what, was he havin' a crap or pleasuring himself all that time?
Him: All what time? 5 minutes?
Zoo: No, 50 years
Me: Ah

So next time you want to break loose ladies and gentlemen, check if there's toilet paper in the public toilet before you sit down, or else you'll be stuck in there for half a century asking people waiting outside if Bush is dead yet

Casual Moose